confessions
by ruzek-halstead
Summary: "i love you. i mean, i already knew i loved you because you're my partner and i trust you with my life, so of course i love you. but i think i'm in love with you. like falling in love with you. as in, i think about you all the time and i worry about you whenever you're not there." - prompt: my take on upstead post jay's shooting.


hailey is breathing heavily, the adrenaline completely taking over all her senses. she doesn't even have time to feel anything when she sees jay, bloody and broken. she just sees that he's alive and that is enough for her right now.

she tries to ask him if he's okay but he's so unfocused. he tells her he has to go back downstairs and check on angela, and even though she wants to stop him and just hold him for a second, she lets him go. she's clearing the rest of the building and dealing with the other offender when she hears a gunshot.

she knows it could be anyone; there could be multiple people downstairs, she wasn't sure.. but she could feel it in her chest, the way it was constricting and it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe that it wasn't just anyone; it was jay.

hailey snaps into action and rushes to the stairs. she's internally praying, pleading that she's wrong; she couldn't see him get hurt any more than he already was.

but she was wrong.

she reaches the bottom of the stairs and sees jay lying in a pool of his own blood. his chest is heaving, he's trying to breathe through the pain. hailey panics as she drops to her knees beside him. she tries to cover the wound with her hands but there's just so much blood.

jay's eyes are unfocused; he's looking at her but he's looking through her. "jay, stay with me," hailey pleads, her voice strong despite the gravity of the situation. "jay! hold on, please, hold on," she manages to press on the wound while simultaneously call for an ambulance on her radio with her other hand. she knows the team is on their way but that doesn't seem to be enough right now.

she throws her radio out of the way, once again pressing with both hands. jay is breathing raggedly and he starts to move his other arm in her direction. "hailey," he breathes out. his voice is full of pain and involuntary tears are streaming down the sides of his face.

"jay, i'm here," hailey says, but this time her voice cracks and she doesn't sound as put together. his arm is still moving and she finally grasps his hand and he holds on for dear life. "just hold on, help is coming."

jay's eyes are glazing over and hailey is starting to get nervous. he has to stay awake; he's losing too much blood too quickly. "i need to tell you something," he gasps, eyes clenching in pain. "this might be my last chance."

hailey had no idea how he was managing his words so clearly with being in that amount of pain but somehow he was. "jay, shut up. you're not dying, just focus on me, okay? focus on my voice."

"hailey, listen," he squeezes her hand tight to grab her attention. her eyes were clouded over with tears and she was officially starting to lose her cool.

he can't die. she can't lose him.

this can't be it.

but she can feel his grip starting to falter and his eyes starting to flutter.

she can faintly hear movement upstairs.

"i'd follow you anywhere, but i might not be able to anymore," he says but his voice is now a whisper and his eyes are closed in pain. "i have to be honest. hailey, i'm in—"

he doesn't get to finish; his eyes roll into the back of his head and his grip on her hand goes limp. "i need an ambo in the basement!" she screams and hears the rush of footsteps.

after that moment, everything happens in slow motion.

the paramedics arrive and take over her grip on the wound. they pack it, put a c-collar around his neck and load him onto a stretcher. he's still unconscious.

she could see voight arriving, speaking furiously with the paramedics.

"he's one of ours," she could hear him saying.

he is one of theirs. he's her partner; her best friend.

someone grabs her shoulder and she flinches. she's still on her knees in jay's pool of blood, and her hands, arms and chest were covered in red. whoever it is grabs her again and helps her to her feet.

she can see it was adam and she can see his lips moving but she can't hear him; she can't hear anything.

"hailey, you're in shock," she reads his lips.

she looks down at her red hands and they're shaking furiously. tears are still streaming down her cheeks and adam isn't sure if he should try to comfort her or not.

"jay," she mumbles, "he has to be okay."

adam rubs her arm comfortingly. "he will be, hailey. he will be."

"adam," her voice breaks again. "adam, i think i lo—"

he nods, grabbing her hand tightly so she could stop shaking. "i know."

hailey is crying harder than before and furiously wipes them away with her sleeves. "i need to tell him," her breath gets caught in her throat. "what if i don't get the chance?"

adam catches her chin with his hand and stares seriously into her bloodshot eyes. "hey, you will get the chance. jay is going to make it," even as he says this, his voice shakes minorly. he casts a look behind her, where the paramedics had already taken jay upstairs with voight following suit. "i'll drive you there, come on."

hailey nods, wiping her tears and grabbing his hand.

she's in love with her partner jay halstead.

* * *

jay is rushed into emergency surgery upon arrival.

will's face is pale every time he comes out to give the team updates and he's very obviously trying to keep it together, even as he says the bullet grazed an artery and jay lost a lot of blood. hailey herself is still covered in his blood, even after she breaks down in the hospital washroom trying to wipe it off.

kim had walked in, took one look at her and silently wiped the blood off her arms and tears off her face.

"he's going to be okay," she murmurs quietly.

eventually the rest of the team leaves and returns to the district, as they had to keep going. voight gave her orders to stay and call as soon as there was any news or if she needed anything at all, as he hugged her tightly. adam reached out to squeeze her hand and place a kiss on her forehead before reluctantly leaving with the others.

will periodically checks in with her and brings her water and coffee or a snack. she keeps telling him she doesn't want it and he doesn't need to, but he just sends her a knowing look and she takes it.

when he finally tells her the surgery was a success and jay is out of the woods, she throws her arms around him. will is surprised for a moment but he grabs on so tight; his brother almost died and he had to stay objective the whole day and think as a doctor, but in reality, he was suffering inside. he really needed this. he could also see how much hailey cared about his brother and she needed it too.

when she pulls away from the hug, she has tears in her eyes. but they are happy tears, such happy tears.

will leads her to jay's room. they both know how much he hates hospitals and how much he would benefit from seeing a familiar face when he wakes up, so he leaves her there with a soft smile.

hailey grabs a chair and sits beside him. she stares at him; there are bruises and cuts on his face and undoubtedly scattering his body that was covered by a gown and blankets. as she looks at him, the memories of him bleeding out in front of her can't escape her mind. she's certain she's going to have nightmares, if she can ever relax enough to sleep.

her head drops into her hands, trying to stop the tears from flowing again.

she's cried so much today, more than she has all year. she hates crying; it's such a vulnerable thing to do and she hates feeling weak. but it was jay; he almost died again and she just couldn't control her emotions when it came to him.

she hears rustling and when she looks up, jay is awake.

"shit," he curses, attempting to move in the bed. his eyes close in pain and when they open again, they're focused on her. "hailey," he mumbles, his eyes scanning her face.

she's still wearing the same blood stained clothes because she refused to go home and change and her hair is tied up in a messy ponytail. her blue eyes are bloodshot and there are tears smeared across her face as she tries to wipe them hastily.

"jay, you're okay," she says, attempting to control her voice and the emotion that seeped into it.

he forces out a chuckle. "fuck, this hurts like a bitch," he breathes through the pain. his eyes dart around the room and it finally dawns on him where they are.

"don't freak out," hailey interjects quickly, "and no, you can't leave."

he rolls his eyes but concedes. "hailey, your clothes," he's still looking at her.

hailey looks down at her clothes self-consciously. "i didn't want to leave, in case i missed anything," she replies quietly. "i just—i was so scared."

jay looks guilty, reaching out for her hand. "i'm sorry i put you through that again. thank you for keeping me alive until the ambo got there."

"that was all you," she replies quickly. "you're strong; you held on."

jay sends her an incredulous look. "hailey, i'm alive because of you. i held on because of you, because of your voice, because you were there."

her breath catches in her throat and she tries to pull her hand away but he doesn't let her. now that the moment is presenting itself, she can't bring herself to admit her feelings.

"i almost died, again," he admits and he looks apologetic. "so, i think it's only fair i be completely honest with you."

she has a feeling of what's coming, but it's still nerve wracking. when she finally looks up at him, she's surprised to see he also looks nervous.

"i love you," he blurts out and her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline; she wasn't expecting him to say it like that. he keeps talking in fear he'll chicken out or she'll try to interrupt. "i mean, i already knew i loved you because you're my partner and i trust you with my life so of course i love you. but that's just like saying i love ruzek, which i do but that's not the point," he rambles and scratches his jaw. "i think i'm in love with you. like falling in love with you. as in, i think about you all the time and i worry about you whenever you're not there."

hailey finds herself smiling as he rambles on.

"i'm not sure how it happened, to be honest. because you started off as a huge pain in my ass, always calling me out on my shit," hailey laughs, and he finally looks at her and feels more at ease. "but you push me to be the best person i can be and take care of myself and no ones ever cared that much. you're always there, even when i don't want you to be and even when i'm a complete asshole to you, you're still there."

hailey thinks she's crying again but she's too focused on his face and his eyes to give a damn.

"hailey, i'm trying to tell you i'm in love with you," he says confidently, "i don't expect anything from you, especially if you don't feel the same way. just, please, say something," his eyes soften as he looks at her.

she hastily wipes her cheeks and let's go of his hand to stand up and hover over him.

"you are stubborn, hard-headed and incredibly oblivious," he was slightly smirking, but he also had no idea where this was going (see, oblivious). "but there is absolutely no one else i would rather have as my partner to always have my back."

"i feel the same way," he replies, "also, you're stubborn as hell too so don't even go there," he adds, in a teasing tone. he was also sassy; she loved that about him.

hailey shakes her head, laughing. "of course i love you, jay halstead."

"come on, you have to be more specific here," jay teases. "do you love me like you love voight? or platt? or like you love ruzek? oh wait, that's awkward because you two—"

hailey laughs again. "jay, shut up. i love you like," she pauses, thinking, "i love you like i can't possibly bear to lose you, or i will go out of my mind. so please, stop getting shot."

jay scoots over in his hospital bed and pulls her up so she can tuck into his side. she leans her head on his good shoulder, finally relaxing for the first time in hours. "i'm sorry, i have a flair for the dramatics."

"guess you have one more thing to consider now," she mumbles, watching as he plays with her fingers.

he exhales softly. "yeah, i guess so."

* * *

**hope you guys enjoyed this!**


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